Things had quickly come to a head, and having slewed beside Wookie I hit his kill switch before the light changed. This was the Route Napoleon and Gap was still over 100 miles away. Despite this childish behavior, I can never stop myself pissing with laughter when pulling away. France had never been so much fun. This was my first big tour, and it was instigated by first ‘proper’ touring bike. My DDP * BMW R1100S.

At the time I was running a beautiful VFR400 in RC30 colours for track and an off road XR200. However as time has progressed I decided I wanted to spread my wings and do a bit of touring. Something that ten years later has become to dominate my life to some degree, with organizing events.

My marriage to the Beemer hasn’t started well. I visited a local Stealer to look at a good example of the bike I wanted. I spoke to him on the phone just to ensure he was prepared for my visit. I anticipated his attitude towards striking a deal when I entered his office. Stale air was flavored by cheap aftershave, and the smell of roll up tobacco. He flicked fag ash on my boots as he proclaimed my bike was next to worthless, and proceeded to price me completely out of the deal. I strongly suspect he had already sold the bike and was trying to gazump me. I left his office in disgust and spoke to one of his mechanics. ‘He’s a c&*@ mate, I’m leaving next week.’ Wish I’d known.

I managed to find another bike closer to home with a tamer bike dealer. The deal was done but not before a disaster. I had intended to part exchange my Off Road bike, which was in good nick considering the abuse it, had received. When it wasn’t being ridden off road it was being trashed to work every day. I was on my way home when I began to smell burning. This in it’s self is disturbing but when I looked round I saw flames licking up my arse through the seat I quickly converted to sidesaddle and road to the kerb! Further inspection showed a small hole in the exhaust has burnt through the seat and side panels. Bollocks! This was an easy weld repair, but cosmetically the bike was ruined. The deal could only be completed with the sale of my precious NC30.

The R1100S was completely different to any previous bike. It was enormous for start and shaft drive. The suspension and handling were ‘interesting’ and initially I though I may have made a massive mistake. However, once I got used to the bike I never looked back. Plus I now had an engine with more grunt that a sweaty 70’s porn star! In fact it had plenty of torque as I managed to pull a scooter out of a bike bay in Kensington with a loose bungee hook! Sorry!!

The suspension is based on the Hossack design, and as such there is very little dive from the front end. It requires a great deal of trust at first, as this translates to a remote feeling from the front end. However in return you get excellent steering when entering a bend, and good comfort. Once you have got used to it, you’ll ride almost as progressively as you would have done on a conventional front end. The rear end is the traditional single swing arm shaft used on Beemer’s since the GS80. Again it loses a little in translation without Scarlet Johansons fabulous lips. Seriously it feels heavy at the rear end, and use of throttle had to be de tuned until I got used to it. I became that confident in the handling that it became my regular track day bike, and the bike was good enough for fast group riding. Plus when it was cold I could turn on the heated grips!

Many long distance trips and track days followed. I decided to upgrade the suspension to Ohlins once the bike had reached 50K miles. This was straightforward to a point! My great friend Dave ‘the hammer’ Wilkins runs his own motorcycle repair business, so he was employed to change the shocks. We did this together as I was familiar with dismantling the bike. A stubborn nut required Dave’s biggest ‘hammer’ an air wrench. Now this ‘nut’ had obviously already been cracked, because as soon as Dave pulled the trigger the nut flew off and missed my eye socket by a couple of inches! Made a nice dent in his workshop door! If you keep a bike for some time, always consider aftermarket suspension when the original equipment is cream crackered. Ohlins is pure bike porn. When the units turned up, it was like Christmas 1974 all over again, but without the Morecome and Wise. Even the cardboard box was beautiful.

Towards the end of the bikes life it began to get quiet tatty. Paint was flaking off the forks, and engine. However it was always a solid bike. It used a bit of oil but this is to be expected from an air-cooled Boxer twin. In 90K miles I had few problems, and had received excellent service from the local BMW dealer. A minor oil leak from the cylinder head. A blown oil seal on the rear shaft. Cracked front sub frame mount. I tapped a small nut and bolt in the front indicators. Why? Well they were mounted in the fairing, and used to ‘pop’ out when landing from a hump back bridge!

Overall, a real sleeper of a bike. Good handling for a large bike, and very practicable with panniers and heated grips. In fact I used to strap a deck chair to the rear seat if I was going to Brands Hatch for the day. With the panniers it was wide enough to secure a telescopic chair at 45 degrees so very handy. I mean, why would you want to stand all day in hot leathers when you can take a deck chair!

My heart was taken by the replacement, a black R1200S with Ohlins. But that is another story. 

Simon Matthews